In this alone

Well life...
Have a bout 2 weeks to my 21st.
Well i'm about done living.
Sick of the disappointments and heartaches.
Not in one aspect but in all.
It's like I've got idiot written on my forehead or smth.
It's bloody annoying.
I am torn.
I don't know what to think or do anymore.
I'm really in between so much.
Everyone throws their shit at me.

It's been going on since forever but this time I'm at a loss.
Every felt what it's like being truly alone.
Well I have.
I know what it feels like being alone.
What it feels like walking all alone at 12 midnight.
Not a soul in sight.
No one to turn to.
No one to lend a shoulder to cry on.
All my frens are no longer in singapore.
Most of the others have also drifted apart from me.
It hurts.
It sucks.
But I gotta face it.
This is life.

I sometimes wonder why I have to go through all this shit.
Esp when you wanna change your life for the better.
Your tested in all aspects.
Ah well..
needed to vent
so am done venting.

Guess that I am...

I guess that I am back to the blogging world for good!
back in just a day.
that's a record man.
anyways.
today is a new day.
it's a friday.
fridays are good cos it's the end of the work week.
i'm working at dhl today.
that's shitty but oh well.
better than sitting at home mourning.
yes mourning.
not a loss of my own but a loss of someone else.

so well i think i'm falling for this boy.
i didn't want to.
i stopped myself from every fully liking him.
but i guess when it happened it happened.
at first i was like eh why don't i seem as emotionally attached?
then it happened.
that day when he spoke,
and tears streamed down my face,
cos i didnt want him to hurt.
it was no longer abt me
it was more about him.

i don't have this fear easily.
not for everyone.
but for him my heart constantly worries.
i pray everytime for him.
im immensely closer to god.
all thanks to him
he always reminds me too.
that i should pray before i see.

i worry about him alot but i trust in god.
so i surrender these fears and anxiety to god.
if this is meant to be it will work out.
i have to wait though.
all in his time.
so yes it's very difficult as of now for me to put my finger on how i feel.
but overall i think im happy.
i am blessed and i could never thank god enough for my life.

second week of lent is going smoothly.
i have faced many temptations and tests of my faith.
it never is easy.
but im holdin on tight to my faith cos it's all i have.

ps: what is this world coming to???
i was just on tagged,
viewing what it's like and im like omg.
are u freakin serious???
is society that immoral now??
im freaked.
should i even get married to bring kids into this world??
i think not.
it's a scary thought exposing my children to the society as it is
i have no means to protect them.
what is wrong wit me??
i'm talking abt my non existent kids like they exist.
oh wells.

eons

well it's been eons since i blogged.
so i've decided to start again cos it's too much to keep it all in.
i am way too stressed.
i swear if my life or the world ended at this very moment,
i'd be immensely happy.
i've been sleep deprived and i cant think.
i am feelin so confused and i dunno wad i want.
i dun know if i shld think abt it.
or if i should juz let it be.
i need prayers now.
please pray if u read this.
pray that i have peace.
pray that god give me the strength.


wad a terrible way to start bloggin again.
its sad but this is wat's happening now.

why me

So I keep asking myself why me? Why does all the bad things happen to me? ME ME ME. Freaking selfish I have been haven't I?? This bloody world isn't about me. It's about everyone. I am totally missing the bigger picture here.

I can sit crying and fussing all day long. Feeling sorry for myself and how life sucks for me and all that bullshit. But seriously, for what? They are many people out there who are in much worse positions than I am.

I can sit crying about it or complaining about pala but hey I know he needed me and that's why i was there for him and I needed him too. It wasn't parasitism. It was mutualism. So i'm gonna quit doing this. Quit making a fuss and count my blessing.

I am blessed to have a wonderful mother who stuck by me through everything.
I am blessed to have a brother who may not be the super loving and caring type but I know he has my back and wishes the best for me.
I am blessed to have grandparents who are so loving and giving and have made me who I am today.
I am blessed to have a maid who loves me like her own sister and never lets me cry alone.
I am blessed to have a doggie who is so cute that he always never fails to put a smile on my face.
I am blessed to have met pala and been with him as he has made me the person I am today.
I am blessed to have a uncle who despite his own problems always has time for me and my problems.
I am blessed to have friends who are so wonderful to have remained by my side through the year.
I am blessed to have my angel Tanya, whose constant love and concern has got me through the hardest times.
I am blessed to be in the course that I want and doing the job that I want.
I am blessed to have no shortage of food and money.
I am blessed to have all the luxuries that I want.
I am blessed to have good health and safety.
I am truly blessed and I cannot thank God enough for that and I definately know it is his will and I know this is all what he wants for me. I did surrender to him and he took him away. I don't know why or how this came to an end but it did. I again surrender my life to my lord and pray he makes me stronger and makes me a better person. I need the strength to carry on and move on.

The great round up

So it's that time of the year when it's time to reflect on 2008. Many things happened this year. More nearer to the end of the year than the start. I started the year more and more close to completely being devoted to someone for the rest of my life. But as the year came to a close I am single. It's not an easy thing to deal with but I feel over the years I have become more strong and can accept more than I was usually able to.

I had many lasts this year. It's horrible to let go and move on but change is good. No point holding and clinging to something that is of no use. My thinking towards a lot has changed. I don't trust people as easily as I used to. I have learnt to draw certain lines and to erase certain lines. I was distancing myself from many dear frens whom I'm finally reconnecting with and it's splendid! I truly feel loved now more than ever. This time when I shower my love on people I actually feel the same love being reciprocated.

I have learnt a lot about love. I am glad it happened now. I'm only 20 and having to handle everything at this age seems a bit too much but I'm grateful that I have had the chance to learn life's biggest lessons at this age and to not repeat them later on in life. I thought that I'll never be able to move on after all the heart breaks. However I could and I did. There are days when I wake up and don't think of him at all. There are also days that I wake up and I can't stop thinking about him. My love for him was true and it explains why I am so deeply hurt. It makes me so strong however, when I realise that as the days go by. Not a single call or message comes from him. I don't even think that he misses me even once in the time that has gone by.

God has blessed me with a wonderful family and I can never thank him enough. My uncles more than make up for the lack of love from my father. My grandfather is my hero and I love him to bits. My family means the world to me and I know they love me like crazy. For them I won't give up. If there is one reason why I am still strong today it's all thanks to my family and their love and support and most importantly prayers.

I thank God for a wonderful year and pray that the year ahead would also be as blessed as this year. I pray that God continues to bless us all and keep us safe in his love and care and protect each and everyone of us. Amen.

Let it snow!

Dannia was just saying that day about there being hail in aussie and cher was saying how maybe next it's gonna snow in sg. I think it should snow! Let it snow! It was raining so much lately but all of a sudden it stopped! It's not cold anymore. Please let it rain atleast???

I was feeling all sad and horrible abt being single and not having the rest of my life go as I had it planned. Well everything happens for a reason right??? I have faith and trust that God has somethign planned for me. Seriously what else can I do right? I can only wait and see what the future holds.

I'm very pissed. Trust is so important. I just don't understand how I could have so easily trusted someone who has just come into my life and messed it all up. I am beyond pissed. I've been having a bloody migrane since it has happened. 3 bloody years of my life. I wasted my teen years. When I could have been out there having fun! I was wasting my time with someone I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. My life.

I wanted to grow old with him. Now I'm just pissed. I wanted to stop trusting men and just be alone. Then I thought, why should i? Right? I mean isn't that what he'll want too. For me to be miserable and to achieve nothing in life. So no, I'm keepin my options open. If there is a guy for me I will open to exploring the possibilities. I don't want to spend the rest of my life mourning the loss of many years in my life. I am glad though that I woke up and realised this. If I didn't I would be wasting more of my life on a bloody fucked up loser who doesnt even deserve a second of my time.

Lessons in life

Well the past few weeks have been very challenging and trying. I was at my weakest and basically I was so broken and hurt. Without a doubt, the worst feeling in this world would have to be loving someone who does not love you back. I never understood how and why people could spend years loving someone and fall out in a split second. I always thought it was the other party who was not always being supportive and not treating them as they should be treated. However I was in for a shock. It happened to me. I loved him like crazy, I changed my whole life for him, I followed restrictions that he set for me. Basically I did everything as he wanted. I must admit i'm not as wonderful as i'm making myself out to be but I really did try.

I am all for talking about problems or if anything was disturbing. Yet, he couldn't come to me. I have never loved like this before. I guess he is truly my first real love and that life goes on but it's not easy. I never thought it would be this hard. It broke my heart to have him holding me one day and the next he doesn't even want to stand near me. I kept saying ok after this i'll move on. I tried to think of all the mean stuff he did to me. Friends tried helping, saying that there were other fish in the water and that I deserved better. At that point, all I could think of was well I was ok with him. I didn't mind accepting him for him. No one understood. Worse still I had some friends who told me hey lets do it together! We both know we deserve better so lets do this together and we'll get over the pain together. Well they're still happily with their bfs after they cheated on them and though they know it never will work out how they want it to.

So basically, again, what i'm getting to is that i'm alone in this and I really shouldn't expect anyone to journey with me. I got myself into this mess. I trusted him. When they world told me he wasn't right, I just refused to believe them. I thought he'll change. I thought that if my love was true that he'll love me and cherish me. I thoght the more I gave him, the more he'll appreciate me. Never happened.

So I have made a list of NO-NOs in a relationship. A list for myself, but maybe anyone could use it as a checklist too.

1) You don't need a man's money cos your an independant woman who can support herself, however it ain't gonna work if you have to pay for the man cos he never has any money. If you pay all the time that ain't right too, I mean hello he can't call himself a man for doing nothing.

2) He has to respect you and everything about you, be it your appearance or your believes. If he ridicules you or tries to insinuate that he doens't like that about you, seriously, you shouldn't be liking HIM after that.

3) Does he try to be what you want him to be? If he doesn't, he never will.. He obviously doesn't love you enough to do whatever it takes to make you happy.

4) If a man says he doesn't like PDA, it's just an excuse. If you love someone you'd want to always show them that you love them and that your happy to have them by your side.

5) If your bf cheats on you. Seriously, do I even need to be saying this. But yes, if he cheats on you, kick his balls and run far far away, leave him with the other girl to suffer.

6) If you just feel that this isn't it, but you've been together for so long and don't have the heart to leave him. Then, tell yourself this, better late than never right.

I know it's easy for me to say all this and if someone reading this is going thru a similar situation, then this what I have to say. I'm saying this to myself too, cos I do lose heart at times and wanna go crazy.

This is not the end. As much as it hurts and as much as you just want to give up on life and love, don't. I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get. What goes around comes around. So leave it to fate. It's gonna be difficult to change the life you were living. From having him always around to just being alone. I for one thought that I was going to marry this guy. Friends won't always be there, in fact it's more often than not, your all alone. You'd feel like everything is against you. I felt that I lost my lucky clover. That all my luck was gone and I was just having one bad day after another. I dread even doing anything. All I want to do is sit down and cry and cry and cry.

But then I stop and think,what is he doing. Lo and behold! He's having the time of his life. Guys deal with pain differently. They blame everyone else for all the problems. They dig up the past.They use one tiny mistake you did and say hey she did this! She is the problem. They wanna always win and showing emotion would mean loosing to them. So the put aside all the good times and think of everything bad that ever happened and any mistakes you ever made.

Well, i'm going to be the bigger person, both figuratively and literally and say hey sure, you can put the blame on me. Cos one day he will know. You can run for as long as you want, but one day you have to stop and catch your breathe. Then you'll know. I won't be there to see you realise but i'll be content knowing that one day you will and if you don't then i'm glad too cos it just proves again what kind of incorrigible selfish, heartless person you are.

I won't forget the good time though and it's ok to remember them cos they were part of my life and my past. I'll miss him terribly, i'll miss him smell, the ways he feels, his kisses, his voice. I'm so angry with him for doing this to me but I also loved him so much and I want him to be happy and I really pray that God takes good care of him and keeps him safe. I'll always love him and he'll always always have a huge place in my heart.