In this alone

Well life...
Have a bout 2 weeks to my 21st.
Well i'm about done living.
Sick of the disappointments and heartaches.
Not in one aspect but in all.
It's like I've got idiot written on my forehead or smth.
It's bloody annoying.
I am torn.
I don't know what to think or do anymore.
I'm really in between so much.
Everyone throws their shit at me.

It's been going on since forever but this time I'm at a loss.
Every felt what it's like being truly alone.
Well I have.
I know what it feels like being alone.
What it feels like walking all alone at 12 midnight.
Not a soul in sight.
No one to turn to.
No one to lend a shoulder to cry on.
All my frens are no longer in singapore.
Most of the others have also drifted apart from me.
It hurts.
It sucks.
But I gotta face it.
This is life.

I sometimes wonder why I have to go through all this shit.
Esp when you wanna change your life for the better.
Your tested in all aspects.
Ah well..
needed to vent
so am done venting.

Guess that I am...

I guess that I am back to the blogging world for good!
back in just a day.
that's a record man.
anyways.
today is a new day.
it's a friday.
fridays are good cos it's the end of the work week.
i'm working at dhl today.
that's shitty but oh well.
better than sitting at home mourning.
yes mourning.
not a loss of my own but a loss of someone else.

so well i think i'm falling for this boy.
i didn't want to.
i stopped myself from every fully liking him.
but i guess when it happened it happened.
at first i was like eh why don't i seem as emotionally attached?
then it happened.
that day when he spoke,
and tears streamed down my face,
cos i didnt want him to hurt.
it was no longer abt me
it was more about him.

i don't have this fear easily.
not for everyone.
but for him my heart constantly worries.
i pray everytime for him.
im immensely closer to god.
all thanks to him
he always reminds me too.
that i should pray before i see.

i worry about him alot but i trust in god.
so i surrender these fears and anxiety to god.
if this is meant to be it will work out.
i have to wait though.
all in his time.
so yes it's very difficult as of now for me to put my finger on how i feel.
but overall i think im happy.
i am blessed and i could never thank god enough for my life.

second week of lent is going smoothly.
i have faced many temptations and tests of my faith.
it never is easy.
but im holdin on tight to my faith cos it's all i have.

ps: what is this world coming to???
i was just on tagged,
viewing what it's like and im like omg.
are u freakin serious???
is society that immoral now??
im freaked.
should i even get married to bring kids into this world??
i think not.
it's a scary thought exposing my children to the society as it is
i have no means to protect them.
what is wrong wit me??
i'm talking abt my non existent kids like they exist.
oh wells.

eons

well it's been eons since i blogged.
so i've decided to start again cos it's too much to keep it all in.
i am way too stressed.
i swear if my life or the world ended at this very moment,
i'd be immensely happy.
i've been sleep deprived and i cant think.
i am feelin so confused and i dunno wad i want.
i dun know if i shld think abt it.
or if i should juz let it be.
i need prayers now.
please pray if u read this.
pray that i have peace.
pray that god give me the strength.


wad a terrible way to start bloggin again.
its sad but this is wat's happening now.

why me

So I keep asking myself why me? Why does all the bad things happen to me? ME ME ME. Freaking selfish I have been haven't I?? This bloody world isn't about me. It's about everyone. I am totally missing the bigger picture here.

I can sit crying and fussing all day long. Feeling sorry for myself and how life sucks for me and all that bullshit. But seriously, for what? They are many people out there who are in much worse positions than I am.

I can sit crying about it or complaining about pala but hey I know he needed me and that's why i was there for him and I needed him too. It wasn't parasitism. It was mutualism. So i'm gonna quit doing this. Quit making a fuss and count my blessing.

I am blessed to have a wonderful mother who stuck by me through everything.
I am blessed to have a brother who may not be the super loving and caring type but I know he has my back and wishes the best for me.
I am blessed to have grandparents who are so loving and giving and have made me who I am today.
I am blessed to have a maid who loves me like her own sister and never lets me cry alone.
I am blessed to have a doggie who is so cute that he always never fails to put a smile on my face.
I am blessed to have met pala and been with him as he has made me the person I am today.
I am blessed to have a uncle who despite his own problems always has time for me and my problems.
I am blessed to have friends who are so wonderful to have remained by my side through the year.
I am blessed to have my angel Tanya, whose constant love and concern has got me through the hardest times.
I am blessed to be in the course that I want and doing the job that I want.
I am blessed to have no shortage of food and money.
I am blessed to have all the luxuries that I want.
I am blessed to have good health and safety.
I am truly blessed and I cannot thank God enough for that and I definately know it is his will and I know this is all what he wants for me. I did surrender to him and he took him away. I don't know why or how this came to an end but it did. I again surrender my life to my lord and pray he makes me stronger and makes me a better person. I need the strength to carry on and move on.